GNN Non-News Pauses for a Moment of Silence in Honor of the Economic Crisis

Dateline: All over the world
GNN Non-News is pausing for a moment of silence in thoughtful contemplation of our current worldwide economic crisis.
This non-correspondent is waiting with a safety net in anticipation of brokers, politicians and the like falling out of the sky.
All three of our fans should come back later.

More on page 48

GNN: Non-News of the Worst Kind - Stock Market Falls, Family Rendered Penniless

Dateline: The US
Recent failure of the stock markets in New York and beyond have caused the value of most stocks to fall. As a result, what was once a fairly healthy portfolio for the Non-News Editor (supposedly helping her to usher in old age without going to the poor farm) is now barely worth the […]

More on page 47

GNN: Type A Businessman Claims He Can Live on a Farm

Dateline: Northeastern Indiana
Date: Friday, September 26, 2008
The scene: Inside a 2005 Prius, motoring toward metropolitan Indianapolis for a pre-arranged golf date with a couple of chums.
While on what ended up being a very long road trip for a weekend getaway, this non-correspondent stopped for gas and a quick lunch somewhere in the wilds of northeastern […]

More on page 46

GNN: Man Takes Bus and then Train

Dateline: this morning
Bongo and his sweetie held a conference about what to do about the library books that were soon to be due. On checking online, Bongo discovered that he no longer wanted the ones that were about to come due. While Bongo doesn’t object to paying library fines - the money goes to the […]

More on page 45

GNN: Fall of Financial Markets Proves to Be Non-News in the Biggest Way

Dateline: Lower US 48
As we all know, word of last week’s collapse of Wall Street’s most prestigious financial and insurance instititutions have had the entire globe on pins and needles.
However, Non-News has noticed that for the most part, many are unaware of the economic Armageddon which is upon us. GNN initially predicted a heavy run […]

More on page 44

GNN Human Interest Story: Don’t Blame It On The Orchids

GNN, Non-News, generic, internet, non-descript, politics, winter Comments (0)

A rather humorous news item came up online today regarding President Obama and the temperature that he keeps the Oval Office. It appears he likes it “hot” – so hot, in fact, that according to Presidential senior advisor, David Axelrod, “You could grow orchids in there.” Of course, this was all in response to inquiries about why President Obama chooses to work in his shirtsleeves instead of in coat and tie like most people in his position would.

First of all, I’ve long been concerned with the Presidential attire, or lack of it. It’s my honest opinion (which, with a five-spot might get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks) that a world leader should dress appropriately. Mr. Obama is not me, a person who has been known to sometimes work at home in her jammies. I’m smart enough to know that in more formal environments, I should search my closet for a nice skirt, some unscuffed high heels, and slap on some make up for good measure.

Second of all, you would think that Mr. Obama should set a positive example by conserving energy. I thought all government offices were under an energy mandate. In our own household, we keep the heat at a bone-chilling 68 during the day and 62 at night. This is not because I want to save the planet, hell no — I’d like to crank the heat up to 75 degrees or more, but we do this because we are thrifty.

As a side note, it seems rather sad that the President has plenty of heat and three of my fellow Michiganders recently perished because they froze to death.

Third of all, for Mr. Axelrod to relate the presidential need for heat to where he came from (Hawaii) is rather lame.  Hasn’t he lived in Chicago for years? The Windy City has brutal winters, and you’d think he would be used to it by now. Heck, when I moved from Minneapolis to Detroit, the change was so significant, I thought I was in a different hemisphere. Moving to Washington D.C. is moving south to where the winters aren’t as severe. I only wish I were so lucky.

My daughter, who goes to college in Los Angeles, came home for Christmas break and the first thing she complained about was how cold it was here. I told her where to find my sweaters.

Finally, I’m miffed that all of this is being blamed on orchids. I know since the President was born in Hawaii, he probably has an affinity for the plant. It’s one that I share. In fact, as a bona fide, card-carrying member of the Michigan Orchid Society, I can tell Mr. Obama that it is possible to successfully grow orchids in less than tropical conditions. Orchids are rather hardy and easy to grow, even though they look delicate. They need a certain swing in temperatures in order to bloom at all, which means at some point, they have to be subjected to 60-degree or less weather. I leave mine outside in the summer until right before the first hard frost.

It’s even possible to have orchids thrive in a house where the temperature never gets above 68 degrees in the winter and where the humidity is minus 0. Three of mine are budding even as I type.

 

And I have the pictures to prove it.

 

Joanne Huspek @ February 2, 2009

Non-News: GNN Aspiring Novelist Update Means 50K Words

GNN, Non-News, date, homophones, internet, non-celebrities, non-descript, points, politics, triumphant return Comments (0)

Dateline: Internet and beyond

If you’ve been wondering where GNN has been (and me, for that matter) for the month of November, wonder no more.

I have spent the last month participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The goal is to write 50K words in the month of November.

Last night, at 6:30 p.m. EST, this aspiring novelist managed to eke out just a bit more than the goal.

As a related development, the end is in sight for this chick-lit epic tome of love, loss and self-discovery. Yeah!!! (I know the three exclamation marks are so recherche, but who cares? I’m delirious with happiness!) I am happy to report that no homophones were killed or maimed in the commission of this work.

Today, I am resting with a bottle of Advil.

Non-News will continue to report regular breaking non-items.

Joanne Huspek @ November 29, 2008

GNN Non-News Expose! San Francisco Puts Out Homeless!

GNN, Non-News, coffee, expose, generic, non-celebrities, non-descript, san francisco, secrecy, travel, winter, wrong again Comments (1)

Dateline: San Francisco, California

This GNN non-news correspondent is supposed to be enjoying a few days away from the salt mines, and has chosen the Left Coast as the destination. (Eh, what else? This is definitely NOT news!) However, just because she’s supposed to be enjoying herself doesn’t mean her nose for non-news isn’t working.

During a return walk back from Ocean Beach, this intrepid non-reporter decided to take the path along the Great Highway. It’s paved, and not as hard as walking the beach back. Lo and behold, what was noticed was non-news of the biggest proportion. A story that should hit the AP and Reuters any time now!

The San Francisco Department of Public Works, in a measure that has defied all logic, has decided to trim back the low lying shrubs that line the pedestrian path along the highway.

That might sound like real non-news to my readers, but take a listen: GNN has learned the entire operation is a ploy to discourage the homeless from staying on the city’s far west neighborhoods.

That’s right. San Francisco is putting out its homeless!

Follow me here: I’ve been walking this stretch of beach at least three times a year for the last three years. At no time were the bushes ever trimmed back before. During my walks, I noticed that many homeless people were making the area under these bowers their home. I uncovered many sleeping bags, mess kits and toilet articles, and usually they were within several hundred feet of the public facilities.

As you can see by the photographic evidence, there is no way that anyone can make a comfortable bed after the trimming these bushes received. Well-known horticulturist Luther Burbank is said to be rolling over in his grave, screaming “Oy vay!”

\"Denuded by Public Works Department, there is no way this can be a home for the homeless.\"What\'s left over

This latest move by the city of San Francisco follows last year’s move by the city board to outlaw the plastic shopping bags commonly used by retailers. Some claimed the move was for environmental concerns. However, it is well known on the city’s west side that the homeless needed those shopping bags to place over their bush-homes to keep the wet out during the rainy season. Without the bags, their existence would be miserable at best.

So where are all the homeless sleeping now?

An unofficial source quotes an employee in City Hall who claims to have purchased several dozen one-way bus tickets to Los Angeles.

More non-news as it breaks.

Joanne Huspek @ October 23, 2008